JEW! FAT BOY! I LOVE YOU!
by Yugicanbesexy
Summary: Kyle and Cartman hate each other...Right...But everything changes when Mr Garrison tries to make them "Solve their differeneces". He does this by locking them in a broom cupboard... ...


JEW! FAT BOY! I LOVE YOU!

BEFORE I START PLEASE READ! Now this is South Park and because of the sort of writing I do I try to keep to the original pieces of fiction as close as possible. So OF COURSE there is going to be a lot of swearing (though I've covered it up because it is a T), Cartman and Kyle are going to be in close proximities of each other so there will be a LOT of anti-Semitism and fat jokes. I'M NOT A BELIEVER IN ANY OF THIS CRAP I'M JUST THE MESSENGER (Oh and did I mention bad language^^) 

"Okay children, let's take our seats,

_We have a lot to learn today,_

We sure do Mr Head!"

Mr Garrison walked across the classroom with his hand puppet on his right hand and a hangover and temper on his head. It was a Monday morning and Mr Garrison was still recovering from the blur of a night he had had with Mr Slave. What a night…*sigh* and now he had to teach these children who could all go to f****** hell.

Stan, Eric, and Kenny were at their seats with the rest of the class getting their minds ready to switch off to the peculiar teachers attempts to teach and to only turn on when he said bad words. Which was an often occurrence.

"Okay children what is x+54 if x =6? Come on children don't be shy, there is no such thing as a stupid answer…"

Butters put up his hand. "Ummmmm…54x….Mister Garrison…sir?"

"Congratulation Butters, you have made me correct myself. You have unanswered my unstupid question with a stupid answer. Bravo!"

Butters sniffed a little knocking his fists together.

Eric was the only student to laugh at Butters embarrassment and overall misery.

Thirty minutes into the lesson Kyle knocked and then walked through the door.

"Sorry I'm late Mr Garrison" Kyle walked into class dragging his school rucksack behind him.

"Mr Broflovski, I'm trying to teach a class and I do NOT need you coming into this classroom late, while I'm trying to teach your young class mates."

"YEAH!" shouted Eric from the front row.

"Look you better have a damn good reason why you are f****** up my lesson young man."

"Yeah, you better have a damn good reason!" shouted Cartman from the front row again.

"Shut up Cartmen," Kyle muttered noting looking up from his shoes; he wasn't even looking in the direction of Eric. He didn't even sound that into it; it was like Eric was a fly sniffing on the huge rubble of decay that had once been his life.

Stan and Kenny exchanged a look between each other; they both wondered at the same time what was with their friend Kyle?

"I'm waiting Mr Broflovski…" Mr Garrison tapped his foot impatiently Mr Head hung from his crossed arms. "Don't make me send you to the head."

Kyle gave Mr Garrison a note. Mr Garrison read it.

"Dude," muttered Eric to Kenny, "Mr Garrison is totally going to kill and spit and totally explode at Kyle" Eric smiled rubbing his hands together.

"Dude…You have issues" muttered Stan looking worriedly at his friend exchanging glances with Kenny.

"Mmmm Hmmm" murmured Kenny.

Mr Garrison nodded slightly handing Kyle back his note "Okay Kyle take your seat and open your math book to page 32, and we'll try to carry on."

Kyle picked up his bag and began to walk to his desk.

Eric's mouth hung open. "WHAT! No slapping! No detentions! No…No explosions."

"Eric," said a tired Mr Garrison "his reason for being late holds."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! F*** NO!"

"Eric Cartman! I've had ENOUGH of all of you little s***s to last me a life time so please all of you shut up! And let's please, please, please do some maths!"

"How come Kyle that lying f****** Jew get away with this!"

"Hey shut up fat boy!" shouted Kyle the fire back in his eyes…But maybe a little too strongly because smoke was practically coming out of his ears.

"HEY! DON'T CALL MY FAT YOU F****** JEW!"

"SHUT UP CARTMAN! AND YES YOU ARE FAT YOU ARE THE FATTEST KID IN THE SCHOOL! IN SOUTH PARK! IN AMERICA! IN THE WORLD! IN THE-"

"Dude, Kyle calm down it's only Cartman." Stan whispered watching the boy's angry figures turn redder and redder and redder.

"I'm BIG BONED! F*** YOU KYLE!" shouted Eric right back standing up.

"BOTH OF YOU TWO SIT DOWN!" shouted Mr Garrison massaging his now aching brow.

Craig and Wendy exchanged popcorn with each other watching the scene unfold.

"I'VE _HAD _IT WITH YOU CARTMAN!"

"WELL DON'T JUST STAND THEIR BRING IT ON!"

The two boys leapt at each other, punching and kicking until a really pissed off Mr Garrison separated the two fighting boys. They began to scrabble in a ball of kicks and punching, Eric even kicked Kenny in the face causing the boy to fall back in his chair causing it to smash into the desk behind him so it cracked the back of his neck.

"Oh My God You Killed Kenny!" Shouted Stan utterly shocked.

"You Bastard!" Shouted Kyle back before beginning to punch Eric again.

"ERIC CARTMAN AND KYLE BROFLOVSKI! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF ALL OF YOUR SCROBBLINGS AND FIGHTS IN MY CLASS ROOM!"

He dragged them out of the class room and through the hall.

"It wasn't my fault Cartman started it!"

"No YOU! You F****** JEW!"

"!"

The two boys immediately went quiet.

"NOW!...Now boys, you two will be relieved of lessens today."

Kyle and Eric despite themselves exchanged a look of both surprise and happiness for their good luck.

"Or rather" said Mr Garrison stopping in the hall turning to them "you will spend today learning how to get on and working together."

The two boys looked across at each other in utter disbelief. Then looked back at their teacher both of them holding the exact same expression of total horror. Kyle tried to run for it but Mr Garrison held them both firmly by the shoulders.

"I mean it boys! You two have to clear up this stupid feud you two have between each other. And by doing that I'll be locking you two in this broom cupboard."

Before any of them could make a break for it Mr Garrison threw them both into the broom cupboard then locking it, bolting it, held a chair against the lock.

"Now you two will either be cured of your hatred of each other….or you'll have killed each other….either way at least I'll be having a quiet class from now on!"

Mr Garrison skipped away.

Kyle shook the lock his eyes wide trying to open the door.

"Get out of the way Jew your hands are too small from the money you've snatched, let me" Cartman snapped as he pushed Kyle out of the way shaking the lock.

"That just…IMPOSSIBLE! One: I'VE NEVER STOLEN A THING IN MY LIFE, FAT ARSE. TWO: YOU HANDS ARE TOO FAT AND PODGY TO OPEN IT! GIMME THAT!" Kyle screamed at Cartman wrestling him to get to the door knob.

There was a snap as the metal door knob snapped off.

"OH GREAT! KYLE! Now no one can open the f****** door!" Cartman snapped throwing the knob across the room.

"It's not MY fault, it's YOURS! You and your anti-Semitism remarks!"

"*sigh* Always with the blame Kyle, never with the solutions" Cartman said with his fake innocence tone.

Kyle groaned stamping his foot. "Let's just get this over with!" He walked to the corner of the room siting down.

Cartman looked around the room, trying to find a way out of the room. Until at last giving up.

Kyle tapped his feet together.

Cartman sat down in the opposite corner of the room.

Kyle whistled.

Cartman hummed.

"Stop that" they snapped together.

They turned away from each other slightly.

"How long do you think we'll have to stay in this cupboard?" Kyle asked not turning to him.

"Dude, shut up" murmured Cartman not looking at him frowning.

"I'm only trying to make a conversation Fat arse! Would you rather sit here and talk about your problem with me! Because you are the one with the problem!"

"Suck my balls Kyle! You're the one with the problem!"

"NO! Cartman! You're the one who started it!"

"Since when?"

"Since the day we first met!"

*Flash back five years*

_Stan and Kyle walked across the rainbow rug. They had been firm friends since the moment their fathers had introduced them to each other. Being in Nursery school they hadn't learnt half of the important things a boy at their present maturity should. Like how to swear for example. But they were getting there._

_Kenny and Butters were placing with a water tank full of water and sand and little plastic boats (until Kenny fell in and got killed)._

"_Hey…who's the new kid?" asked Stan to Kyle._

"_I don't know Stan let's ask him."_

_They walked up to the new kid. He was a round podgy kid with a blue bobble hat showing his brown hair. He looked at them from one to the other his eyes resting on Kyle._

"_Hi there!" Stan greeted waving his hand. "What's your name? Mine's Stan."_

_The large kid looked from one to the other a blush creeping up on his features._

"_I'm Kyle. I'm Jewish." Kyle said waving his hand. Big mistake._

_The fat kid looked at him up and down, until balling with laughter, pointing at Kyle._

_Kyle blushed red and looked at the laughing fat kid. "What?" he snapped._

"_You're a Jew?" spluttered the boy._

"_Yeah, so?"_

"_Yeah but Jews are ugly…they have big noses….red hair…fat…Not like you…You're completely different."_

"_Shut up! Fat arse!"_

"_Hey don't call me fat you clucking Jew!"_

_They growled at each other before leaping into a fight._

*Flash back to the future*

"See, it was your entire fault Kyle."

"WHAT! No as usual you STARTED it Cartman. You called me Jew first."

"Yes…But erm Kyle…You ARE a Jew."

"Yes…but erm Cartman you are erm FAT."

Cartman growled at Kyle but for once in his life decided to drop it.

"What is your problem dude?" asked Kyle softening a little. "Why do you hate the Jews so much? Do you hate the Jews because of me? Or hate me because I'm Jewish. WHY though? I'm the same to you man, if you punch me do I not bruise? If you have sex with me do I not orgasm? If you show me Terrance and Philippe show do I not howl with laughter? You have laughed at my winnings, mocked at my loosing's. And for what? Because I'm a Jew Why? Why Cartman why? Is it because you are jealous?"

"JEALOUS? Why would I be jealous of YOU Kyle? What do you have that I don't?"

"….People like me…"

"…..?What? Kyle…Loads of people like me…"

"No they don't. Name five people who like you."

"….My mum…"

"Yeah I'll let you have that."

"….Stan…"

"No, he doesn't like you."

"…Butters…"

"…"

"Okay not Butters….Kenny?"

"Give me a break."

Cartman looked down at the ground looking away from Kyle. "Well who cares what you think Kyle."

"That's it! That's why you are so repellent! You know people don't like you…so you act like a total arse whip. You don't want things to change but…Dude…You've only got your mum….She….She can't be your friend…She can't be your wife…She can't be your dad-"

"SHUT UP ABOUT MY DAD JEW!"

"?"

"YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHING KYLE!"

"Yeah, yes I do."

"EVERYONE THINKS I'M AN F****** S***-HEAD! I TRY TO CHANGE EVERYDAY. I turn over a new leaf every day but the ink still shines through the pages."

"Then keep trying Cartman!"

"What's the point? Nothing's changed. Still only one person likes me."

Kyle looked down. He bit his lip. He was soooooooooooo going to regret this. "I like you Cartman."

"Go to Jew Hell Kyle."

"No….I really do like you…And I'd like you even more if you treat me right…"

Cartman looked at Kyle his mouth slightly agape which turned into a smile. Kyle smiled back, he suddenly frowned and looked down something still didn't seem right.

"But wait…Why me? Why do you target me all the time? Is it something more than my religion…you always go overboard Cartman, go prosecuting me for me for my religion but maybe it's deeper than that Cartman you're like a six year old pulling on the pigtails on someone you fancy…"

Eric turned around a frown on his forehead. "Kyle?"

"You…You Love me…Don't you…?"

Cartman scoffed not looking at Kyle in the face at all.

"No…no…it makes sense…Remember when we had that bet that I had to suck your balls and you followed it up so…vigorously and you always blame me for when your plan crumbles when it's so obviously your fault and…The first time we met….Were you even complimenting me?" Cartman was right. He had started it. Eric was trying to compliment him in his own twisted way...

"Just say it…Eric…"

"Say what? What is there to say? I've got nothing to say…you're the one who's got something to say, not me."

"Eric tell me the truth for once in your life…"

"FINE!:

Sometimes I think when I look up real high

That there is such a big world up there

I'd like to give it a try.

But then I sink cuz it is here I'm supposed to stay.

But I get so lonely down here; tell me why's it had to be that way?

"Up there,

There is so much room,

Where babies burp and flowers bloom.

Everyone dreams, I can dream too.

Up there, up where the skies are ocean blue.

I can be safe and live without a care,

Up there"

"Cartman what are you doing?"

"They say I don't belong

I must stay below alone.

Because of my beliefs I'm supposed to stay where evil is sown

But what is evil anyway?

Is there reason to the rhyme?

Without evil there can be no good,

So it must be good to be evil sometimes."

"ERIC! ALL I WANTED WAS A STRAIGHT ANSWER!"

"Up there,

There is so much room,

Where babies burp and flowers bloom.

Everyone dreams, I can dream too.

Up there, up where the skies are ocean blue.

I can be safe and live without a care

Live without a care

If only I could live up there.

I wanna live

I want to live up there

Ooh baby, ooh

I want to live up there."

"Forget it! There was no rhyme or reason to that song anyway!"

"What do you? It fitted perfectly!"

"No it did NOT fat arse!"

"HEY I'm the one who's spilling the beans! You're all nice and comfy here on your high ground but what about YOU! Why were you in class today late!"

"Of ALL the things to ask Cartman. You just want to distract me because we all know that I was right and you were wrong."

Cartman ran to the door and started to bang on the door. Trying to get out. But to no avail. He looked down at the floor breathing hard treacle of sweat went down his forehead.

"Cartman look at me. Stop dodging the question. Do. You. Love. ME?"

Eric looked down at the floor slightly then he turned to Kyle looking at him straight in the eye "…Yes Kyle…Yes I do."

Kyle's eyes widened. Eric had just admitted he loved him…whoa. He suddenly realised he was smiling. YUCK GROSS he should be hitting Cartman not smiling at him.

Eric ran at Kyle and hit him straight in the face. "You BETTER not tell anyone I'm Gay you Jewish p****!"

"It's okay Eric I won't" chocked Kyle when Eric put him into a chock hold.

"Good." Eric murmured putting him down.

The two boys stared at each other silently.

Kyle eyes darted to all of spaces in the walls…Apart from Eric. Half expecting him to begin to laugh.

Whereas Eric tried to count all of the pieces of dust in the room…Away from Kyle. Half expecting him to begin to laugh.

"So…" Kyle murmured looking down heavily embarrassed "You're telling the truth…?"

"Don't push it Kyle."

"No…It's not that but…Wow…That does explain a lot. I think I like you too."

"Like Kyle? What do you mean like?"

"Don't push it Fa-Cartman. I think it means…I love you too."

"Dude…We are so gay…"

Kyle laughed in spite of himself. "Yeah I guess that what we are…" Kyle sniffed. He looked away. And then he went into a corner to cry.

Eric raised his eye brow. What was up with the Je-…Kyle now? "Hey Kyle what's up now?"

"Nothing Fat boy leave me alone."

"HEY DON'T CALL ME FAT JEW! I'M The one braving this like a man…or something, but that's not the point. If loving me is soooooooooooo repellent then let's not bother!"

"NO!...I mean no it's not that…It's just that….Well the reason I was late was….My mum…thinks that…"

"Thinks what? Spit it out Kyle!"

"Well….She thinks this country is having a bad effect on me and Ike….So she moving us all to…Canada…"

Eric's jaw dropped. "What…"

"My mum is moving us to-"

"THAT BITCH!"

"Don't call my mum a bitch!"

"I'll call her what the hell I want! How dare she move you form South Park! She has no right! God Damn it! NO! F*** NO!"

"Calm down Cartman…"

"When are you going…?"

"…Tomorrow morning…I've told Stan…I think he understands…"

"WHAT ABOUT ME!" Shouted Cartman going up close to Kyle's tear stained face fuming.

"I thought you didn't care so I…"

"Oh Jesus!" Cartman shouted going to the other side of the Broom cupboard facing the door. He sat down frowning at his lap crossing his arms.

Thirty minutes passed. Both boys kept the silence Eric fuming with rage on one side of the room. Kyle composing himself on the other side.

Eric at last got up. He took off his hat and handed it to Kyle to whip his eyes with. "It'll be okay Kyle" as Kyle whipped his eyes with the hat, "look we'll bounce back just as we always do…We'll convince your mum and…everything will be alright. And you'll stay with South Park, with me." He said it very firmly like that would happen if he said it seriously enough.

"Thanks man" Kyle smiled giving Eric back his hat.

Eric put the slightly damp hat back onto his head. Making Kyle giggle.

"…Let's see your hair." Murmured Cartmen.

"…What…No dude!"

"Why the hell not?"

"Because it is embarrassing."

"Why? I showed you my hair."

"Yeah but…"

"OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF!"

"Alright! Alright GOD!" though they both knew he wasn't really angry.

Kyle took his hat off exposing his mad red hair.

Cartman's mouth hung open.

"What! This is MY hair."

"….I mean you were…Okay before….But now…Whoa."

"Shut up Cartman!"

"So this is what it's going to be like when I compliment you!"

Kyle and Eric smirked at each other after they mini sarcastic row.

They stood there awkwardly. Kyle put his hat back on…But that was the only thing he could think of doing.

Eric awkwardly stretched out his hand to take Kyle's.

"Dude we are so gay" muttered Kyle as their hands awkwardly turned this way and that wondering how to hold the others hand.

Eric put his hand behind his back. "Dude what is wrong with us?"

"Yeah…You haven't kissed me yet." Smirked Kyle.

*Meanwhile with Mr Garrison*

Stan looked up at the clock it had been two hours since Kyle and Cartman had been taken out of class to regain their fragile friendship.

It was Golden Time (or free period for the children to spread their artistic wings. What a load). So Stan was colouring a butterfly. Kenny had tried to make a tower of pencils but they fell on him and…Do I really need to write what happened to him next.

Stan put up his hand. Mr Garrison was as usual reading pornography. He looked up. "What is it Stanley?"

"How long was Kyle and Cartman supposed to be resolving their differences?"

"A long time. Stanley."

"But it's been two hours."

"Yes Stanley, but we must remember it takes a while for wounds as deep as they have to get sorted out for a long time. After thirty minutes they would have stopped fighting. An hour discuss their personal problems, half an hour later told their true feelings and two hours they would k-"

Mr Garrison stopped he looked at his watch and then at the clock. "AH S***!" He shouted dropping his book and running out of the class. The class following behind him.

He ran to the cupboard throwing the chair away, getting out his keys and opening up the door.

He gasped as all of the kids looked in too.

"What?" asked Kyle looking up from one of his books.

"Yeah what?" asked Kyle from looking up from an upside down book.

Mr Garrison lent against the door breathing hard sweat dribbling down his forehead "oh what a relief! Class dismissed from the rest of the day."

Everyone cheered as they ran out of the school and into the snow.

Eric was walking home when Kyle ran up to him, followed by Stan...And Kenny?

"Hey Eric we have the rest of the day off and I'm all packed…Why don't you come over to my house and we can watch the Terrence and Phillippe movie uncensored?" he asked cheerfully.

Stan and Kenny smiled "Yeah dude I think it is important that you two spend some time together."

Eric looked at Stan, then Kenny, and lastly Kyle. "Suck my Balls you F****** JEW!" he shouted his cheeks red. Eric turned and ran away from Kyle.

Kyle blinked his mouth opened as the penny dropped. He sniffed looking down. His hands dug deep into his pockets.

Stan and Kenny ran up to him, stopping a few feet away. "Kyle…? Are you alright?" asked Stan slowly.

"Yeah…Yeah I'm cool guys…I've got some packing to do and…And I better get home…"

Kyle walked home slowly. What an idiot he was. Eric would never change. He was Cartmen. He didn't love him…Not like how he loved Eric. Cartmen was probably two steps away from saying: "nananaan hahahaa!" to him.

He walked through the house. No a desert of boxes and plastic bags of his stuff.

*THAT NIGHT*

Eric laid in bed a huge lump on his chest. He couldn't shake it out, piss it off, or eat it off. It was just there.

He looked around an in his chubby hands he held a lock of Kyle's hair.

*Flash back to the cupboard*

"_Yeah…you haven't even kissed me yet." Smirked Kyle._

_Eric couldn't help blushing as he turned to Kyle._

_He put his hands to Kyle's cheeks hesitating as they moved a little wondering how he was supposed to do this properly. Kyle got so bored he grabbed Cartmen's cheeks himself and placed a kiss onto Eric's lips._

_Eric's eyes kept wide open as Kyle closed his._

_Cartmen took a lump of Kyle's hair and pulled it out. But Kyle didn't seem to mind and notice._

_They broke away blinking at each other so close together._

"_Dude…We…Are…So…Gay…" Murmured Cartman._

"_Does that mean you love me?" asked Kyle._

_Eric nodded breathless._

_They suddenly heard noises of someone coming. Kyle grabbed his bag taking out two books he threw one to Eric and opened his own book._

*End flash back*

Eric turned over in bed. Kyle was leaving tomorrow morning…He had to say goodbye to Kyle...Say sorry and tell him he loved him.

Cartman looked at his clock.

0830am.

"SHIT!" shouted Eric as he jumped out of bed.

"MUM!" he shouted getting his clothes on.

"HEY MUM!" he shouted even more impatiently.

"Yes Eric"

"You need to drive me to the train station." 

"Whatever for Eric?"

"None of your beeswax bitch just drive me there!" 

"ERIC WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THAT SORT OF LANGUAGE!" his mother snapped suddenly turning nasty.

"…But MUUUUUUM!"

"No buts Eric! Go back to sleep!" 

Cartman mumbled angrily. He'd have to get there by himself. He opened his window slide off of his roof and fell off the drain. He picked himself up and ran for the train station.

*Meanwhile with Kyle*

Kyle sat on train with his suitcase. He looked out of the window glaring to himself. He hated Eric Cartman and he always will. After one tearful goodbye to both Stan and Kenny he then had bid goodbye to South Park.

"Don't be sad boys we'll return to South Park one of these days."

"No dad…Lets not" muttered Kyle.

His mother and father exchanged looks but at last his mother replied. "Whatever you think is best Kyle."

The train started slowly.

Kyle sighed. Half wanting Eric to run onto the station and signal him…But he didn't.

Kyle looked down.

Goodbye South Park.

Goodbye Mr Garrison and Mr Head.

Goodbye Butters.

Goodbye Kenny.

Goodbye Stan.

…Goodbye Eric…

He sniffed turning away.

If he'd have kept watching the station he would have seen Eric Cartman run onto the station signalling.

"I LOVE YOU KYLE" he shouted and if Kyle was really trying to listened to him. He would have heard that and maybe would have called back like: "I LOVE YOU TOO ERIC CARTMAN!"

But he didn't.

He didn't see.

He didn't hear.

And he didn't shout.

Kyle Broflovski sat their looking at his lap oblivious as the train pulled out of South Park.

Eric Cartman stared. He failed. He couldn't do it. He had lost Kyle forever. He crumpled to his knees holding his eyes as his cried into his hands. He looked at the lock of Kyle's red curly hair….And threw it into the wind…

He had lost Kyle.

He had lost him forever…

Up there,

There is so much room,

Where babies burp and flowers bloom.

Everyone dreams, I can dream too.

Up there, up where the skies are ocean blue.

I can be safe and live without a care

Live without a care

If only I could live up there.

I want to live

I want to live up there

Ooh baby, ooh

I want to live up there

With You….

THE END

REVIEW PLEASE!


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